


It's all on me, it's all on you

by rebecca_rose



Series: in chan's bunk [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bang Chan is Bad at Feelings, Chan freaks out because he's too damn responsible, Hand Jobs, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Pet Names, Porn with Feelings, Relationships require communication you guys, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:14:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27625918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rebecca_rose/pseuds/rebecca_rose
Summary: Chan was granted one full, blissful minute before reality set in.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Series: in chan's bunk [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2012026
Comments: 11
Kudos: 343





	It's all on me, it's all on you

**Author's Note:**

> *Set immediately after "Until the waves pull us in with the tide"*  
> I was so pleased to see people liking my first work that I wanted to finish up part two! More to come from this series! Probably just smut, if I'm being honest.
> 
> Title is from another SMLE song called "Love Residue". It's a song about cum.
> 
> Enjoy!

Chan was granted one full, blissful minute before reality set in.

He awoke to Changbin’s alarm announcing itself into the cold morning and blinked blearily, sightlessly, confused at the warmth around him and the weight holding him flat against the bed.

Felix was laying at his side, curled up and hands clutching like he hadn’t moved a muscle all night. His hair was wild, lips open just enough to let out little puffs of breath. When he slept he looked peaceful and angelic -- Chan knew this well enough already, but seeing it point-blank neared on being too much for his fragile heart. He watched, holding his breath, as Felix woke to the alarm; nose twitching once, twice, then the lips, and finally eyes pulled open and squinted at him.

“ _Channie-hyung_?” he rumbled, sounding confused.

Everything came back to him: the stumbling to the living room, the whispered confessions, the warmth of finally holding love in his arms the way he wanted to but could never even let himself imagine. Chan felt it, lay in it like a pool of warm water, let it fill him up. Felix _wanted_ him. 

Then, he panicked.

He pulled himself from under clinging arms and was out of bed in seconds. With heart pounding and mind racing, he shook Changbin’s shoulder and tried to sound as casual as possible when he told him to _get up man, we’re gonna be late_. He got a tired groan in response. Felix hadn’t seemed to move, though Chan couldn’t see him there on the top bunk.

“Felix,” he called out. Took a second to steady his voice. “We gotta get going soon.”

And then he turned away to grab clothes from the closet at random and left the room like it was on fire, bare feet pounding down the hall, head exploding: _what did I do, what did I do, what the hell did I do that for_? He narrowly beat Jisung into the bathroom and locked the door without responding to the ensuing protests.

The face in the mirror was almost unrecognizable, not because his features had shifted places overnight, or because his hair had turned snow-white, or because his eyes had changed color. He looked the same. But absolutely nothing was the same. The Chan that stared back had messed up big-time. The Chan in the mirror had acted selfishly, had poured everything in his heart out without a second thought. Who was _that_ Chan?

He splashed cold water on his face as if it could wash away everything that had happened. He didn’t want Felix to take any of it back, to recant his feelings and wipe that beautiful, shy smile off his beautiful, shy face. But his own words, his own feelings… if only they could be cleaned away and disappear down the drain. If only.

~

It was no secret that there was a problem. It was written all over his face, and Felix’s face, too. The other members watched them cautiously as they filed into the waiting room before their photoshoot. Strictly side-glances and questioning eyebrows.

Felix had barely said a single word that entire morning, brushing off Hyunjin’s octopus-like grasp and cheerful joking with a short _“I’m tired”._ In the usual chaos of eight boys getting ready and rushing around, Chan had managed to avoid full eye contact in the dorm and got into the second van after seeing Felix climb into the first. When they arrived at the shoot he caught a glimpse: heavy downturned eyes, slumped shoulders, nervous hands. Chan’s stomach flopped over itself at the sad sight. How could he have messed up like this?

The guys sat quietly in the waiting room, some occupied with their phones, others chatting sprawled out on the hard, cold couches. They all watched Felix out of the corners of their eyes as he lay down, facing the back of the couch and pulling his hood over his fluffy, blonde head.

Chan sat on a too-small plastic chair by the mirrors lining one wall. He angled himself so the others couldn’t see his face and gripped his hands together, crushing the bones in on themselves and taking out his anxiety on himself. 

The most prominent feeling rushing through him was disappointment. Two years of holding back and he had been done in by what? Jealousy? He couldn’t stand the thought of Felix falling asleep while hugging someone else, so as a solution he decided to throw out years of work just to demand the same? Absolutely selfish, and disappointing. If anyone found out about this, it would ruin his career and the careers of everyone he cared about. It would be the biggest scandal of the year. JYP himself would take damage, and the incredible trust he held in Chan would be razed to ashes.

The fact that Felix returned his feelings was wildly unbelievable and, unfortunately, threw a sizable wrench in his angst. It would be one thing if Chan had spilled his heart only for the object of his affections to politely but firmly reject him. At least then Chan could apologize, and they could move on. It would be awkward at first, but over time things would go back to normal. The feelings would fade, the world would keep turning, maybe he would fall in love with someone else. And everything would be fine.

But Felix wanted him, too. Felix loved him, and longed for him, and wanted to cuddle him and probably kiss him and --

He knew the simple truth: there was no taking back what had been said. Pretending it didn’t happen would never improve the situation. This situation required Chan the Leader, who charged at problems head-on and always fixed what was broken with calm words and hard-earned confidence.

That confidence was failing him now, having run off into the streets sometime between confessing and waking. All he had left was a watery sickness in his stomach and an ache in his chest. When he thought about confronting Felix, his hands shook. 

In the end, his own indecision was interrupted anyway. Minho came up to stand by his chair with characteristic bluntness and demanded to talk to him. With a heavy sigh he got up and followed him out into the hallway. They walked without speaking until they found an abandoned stairwell.

Minho turned to him, voice low and serious. “ _Alright, spill. What the hell is going on with Felix? I know it involves you because you can’t even look at the guy, and usually you’re staring like a dog at a piece of meat_.”

Chan choked on his reply but managed to say, “ _I don’t stare at him_.” Pathetic. Yes he did. He always did.

Minho gave him The Minho Look. _“Shut up. The point is something happened and our sunshine is out of shine. You need to fix it_.”

His strength left him all at once and he had to sit on the stairs, head falling into his hands. “ _I don’t know how,”_ he said, voice breaking. _“I messed up. Really bad._ ”

Minho sighed and sat down next to him, one arm comforting around his shoulders. _“Just tell me what happened._ ”

Chan lifted his head and gazed miserably at the sad, grey concrete wall before them. _“I can’t_ ,” he said. _“It’s kind of… secret. I don’t know. I acted stupidly, I wasn’t thinking. Things kind of happened. Things I should have put a stop to. But I couldn’t help myself.”_

 _“Ah,_ ” said Minho knowingly. _“You confessed to him_.”

 _“What?_ ” Chan couldn’t believe it. _“How did you…_ ”

Minho laughed and the sound echoed through the stairwell and up into the higher floors. _“You two aren’t subtle. Literally everyone knows._ _Well. We all know, but I think Jeongin pretends he doesn’t. If he could un-know it, he would_.”

 _“It’s that obvious_?”

He patted Chan on the shoulder. Pity. _“Yeah, buddy. It is_ .” He sighed once more, this time with a touch of impatience. “ _You just need to talk to him. I don’t know exactly what you guys said or did last night, but Felix is going through it right now and he needs his leader and best friend. You can’t just ignore his pain._ ”

“ _You’re not… mad?”_

Minho looked perplexed. “ _Why would I be mad?”_

_“This could mess everything up. If it ever got out, if the media found out, if the fans--”_

_“I’m not mad,”_ Minho said, cutting him off. _“None of the guys will be mad, trust me. As for the fans finding out…_ ” He shrugged. “ _Just be careful. You know? How many of your idol friends are dating?”_

He only had to think for a few seconds before coming up with a hefty number. _“A lot,_ ” he said.

“ _And how many of them get exposed?”_

 _“Yeah, but… this is different. They’re dating idols in other groups, not their own, or non-celebrities. They’re straight_ ,” he said. That was the most important point. Dating was losing its prestige as the scandal over all others. But being gay certainly was still the biggest _hell no_ on a long, long list.

Minho removed his arm from around Chan and got up to squat in front of him, looking him square in the eyes. _“I can’t tell you what to do. I can’t tell you what the right choice is. All I can say is, the rest of us have watched you fall for Felix over the past few years but still consistently put us before your own feelings. We see how much it hurts you. That’s what I mean when I say none of us would be mad. We’ve kind of just been waiting around for when it finally happens._ ” He straightened up and held a hand down to Chan. _“We should head back. We have to shoot soon. You’ll talk to him, right?”_

Chan took the hand and stood. He thought back to the previous night, Felix falling asleep in his arms, a kiss to his forehead: _We’ll talk more tomorrow. I promise._

“ _Yeah_ . _I’ll talk to him.”_

  
  


By the time they returned to the waiting room, the PD was gathering up all the members and waving them down the hall. _“You two, hurry up please. We need everyone in hair and makeup now._ ” Felix was at the front, not giving a glance back at Chan. Luckily, once they were styled and coiffed the shoot passed quickly, only a few hours of posing as a group, then solo shots. No doubles, thank god. Fate would put Chan with Felix given the opportunity, he just knew it.

Things were a little awkward, and Felix still wouldn’t look at him, but all eight of them were well used to faking joviality in front of a camera, and Chan was able to lose himself in the _pose, flash, pose again, flash, ok now move over here, flash flash flash_. His smile felt wooden, but nobody said anything, so it must have passed for genuine. When it was time for Felix’s solo shots he stood off to the side, well out of Felix’s line of sight but close enough to see his expression. He was smiling wide, eyes scrunched up and perfect white teeth shining in the strong light. He hammed it up, laughing and winking and just generally looking beautiful and normal, like nothing had happened.

The burning in Chan’s throat told him what he already knew: he would never be able to go back to the way things were. Now that the words had been said, he wanted Felix more than ever. He needed to fix this so the awkwardness would go away. He needed to fix this so he could fall asleep tonight with Felix there in his bed, looking at him and holding him tight.

Chan was the one who had panicked, and made things bad. And now Chan had to be the one to make it right again.

~

When they returned home, they took only a few minutes to decompress before they splintered off to their own schedules: Hyunjin and Jeongin had a date with the rowing machines at the gym, Changbin and Jisung headed to the company to work on a new track, and Minho and Seungmin went with them for no spoken reason, all four exchanging meaningful glances as they went out the front door.

Chan and Felix realized at the same moment that they were being left alone together. Felix, standing in the kitchen with a package of ramen in his hand, made eye contact with Chan for the first time that day as they heard the door click shut. He stood where he was, gazing at Felix over the dinner table with empty, fidgeting hands and nowhere to go.

Silence for a long moment, then: “We need to talk.”

Felix threw the ramen on the counter with more force than necessary. “Yeah, we fucking do need to talk,” he said. His bitterness didn’t surprise Chan at all. He’d always been this alluring mixture of sweetness and fight -- he was lovely and warm and encouraging, but he didn’t take crap from anybody. And Chan had been dealing him a whole lot of crap all day long.

They sat across from each other at the table, which felt horribly formal to Chan, but he wasn’t sure how to suggest moving somewhere different without first addressing _everything_ _else_. Felix stared at him unflinchingly, though there was an uneasy slant to his mouth that belied his nerves.

“I owe you an apology,” Chan managed to say through the lump in his throat. “I freaked out, panicked, I did the wrong thing. And I’m… I’m so, so sorry. I never ever want to hurt you but I did anyway, and it was so stupid--”

“What part are you apologizing for?” Felix interrupted. He wasn’t looking at Chan anymore but gazed down at his own folded hands. “Last night? Or today?”

“I--” Chan reminded himself that he needed to be completely honest. “This morning,” he began carefully, “I did regret confessing my feelings to you. But only because I was scared that it would ruin everything and we wouldn’t even be able to be together, anyway. That it was a mistake, that I ruined my chance with you _and_ our careers. I just wasn’t thinking, though. God, I feel horrible for how I acted.” He didn’t know what else to say. The sick swirling words that had tortured him all day fell out of his head once he was sitting there with nowhere to hide. He watched Felix’s expression, as well as his neck and shoulders, tense up briefly and then melt with something like relief. “What I’m sorry for is freaking out this morning, and not being brave enough to talk to you.” 

“You, not brave?” The apparent ridiculousness of this statement startled Felix out of his tense anxiety enough to let out a laugh. “That’s crazy,” he said between giggles. Felix, being Felix: angry and withdrawn, then seconds later smiling like an angel sent from heaven, making Chan wonder if hearts could get motion-sickness.

“It’s true. You make all my courage leak out my ears,” he said, only pulling more laughter from Felix.

“You’re nuts,” he scoffed. The teasing affection in his voice made Chan’s face heat up. Then his demeanor calmed, and turned serious. “This morning… I was so confused. I had no idea whether I dreamed last night, or if you didn’t really mean it. I felt _so stupid_ , trapping you there with me all night when you didn’t want it. Like I’d forced you to lie, and confess feelings for me, or something. I don’t know. I felt dumb. But now it’s obvious you were just being you: our leader. _My_ leader. Always thinking of consequences.” He smiled like Chan was being silly, like he was being cute. “Do you think I wasn’t worried about that, too? Of _course_ I’m terrified when I think about what could happen. I just thought we both reached sort of a tipping point, you know? Like, I would’ve had to tell you sometime soon anyway, or I was gonna explode. Seriously.”

“I’m so fucking sorry, Felix. I’m so sorry, I was so stupid today. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Felix rolled his eyes. “You hurt my feelings, but I’ll survive. I should’ve known you’d be overthinking this. You’re always thinking too much.”

“Me?” Chan laid on the disbelief so thick that they both cracked up.

Felix stood up still laughing and came around the table. He held onto the hem of his shirt. “Can we hug?” His shy smile was the sweetest thing Chan had ever seen: like fading afternoon sunlight on waving golden wheat, like tiny wild strawberries winding fresh and red down a stone wall, like a kitten yawning--just _warm_. Standing to meet him and fold him in his arms, holding him strong and tight, felt like pressing a reset button on the whole damned day. 

Felix relaxed into him, sighing like he was setting down a huge weight. “I need you to promise me something,” he said, mouth pressed against Chan’s shoulder, voice muffled.

“Anything,” said Chan, and he really meant it. He’d do anything to make up for being such an idiot.

“I need you to talk to me honestly about… us. If it has to do with us, or me, or you. I don’t want you to cut yourself off from me and leave me in the dark like that.”

 _Us_. Chan’s heart was tap-dancing. He couldn’t stop himself from saying it out loud, just once. “Us. Yeah. I will. I promise. It’s me and you now, yeah? I’ll tell you everything.”

“Yeah,” said Felix with a smile wrapped around his voice. “It’s you and me now.” Both of them tightened their arms, gripping the other close. Chan buried his face in Felix’s neck and inhaled the warm scent of him, impossible to pin down but recognizable in an instant.

“God,” he said into soft skin, “I just can’t wrap my head around it. You wanting… that. With me. How long have you…?”

Felix pulled away from the hug a bit, hanging his arms on Chan’s shoulders and biting his lip. His hair was wild from the tight hug and his face was flushed, happy and bright. 

“Well, when I first met you, of _course_ I thought you were really cool. I guess I thought I just really admired you? For your talents, and how hard you worked, and how good you were with people. You’re a natural leader, and so strong, and so kind… looking back, I definitely had a crush on you, way before we debuted.” 

“You had a crush on me? Way back then? Even though I was so tough on you?” Chan couldn’t believe it. How much time had they wasted?

“Well, you’re _hot_. You were this buff swimmer with the pretty singing voice and the pretty mouth and the big nose.”

“I knew it. You only like me for my nose.”

“Shut up, you. The point is I _obviously_ had a crush on you. First I thought you were just hot, but then I realized how focused and ambitious you are, and _then_ I realized how dumb and embarassing and funny you are, and it was kind of all downhill from there.” Felix pulled in close again, resting his head on Chan’s shoulder and letting out a tired sigh. Chan squeezed his waist tighter in his grasp. He thought he could stand there in their kitchen forever, holding love in his arms. “I kind of thought I could ignore it, because I’ve had crushes before and they always fade away once I actually get to know the person better. But instead, I just got super horny for you, and _that_ was definitely a problem.”

 _Jesus_. Chan cleared his throat before he could choke on his own surprise. There was Felix with the emotional whiplash again. In all of Chan’s most secret thoughts, when his head filled with steaming red frustration and he found himself surprised, afterward, with the perverted path his own mind went down, he always included Felix (obviously) but only as an abstraction, as a Felix that wasn’t really Felix but rather was a figment of his imagination. This kept his feelings more safely distant, and he liked to imagine it preserved some of the younger’s own inherent purity and innocence, easing his guilt somewhat. For the Real Life Felix Lee to be “super horny” for Chan was an impossibility. And what did he mean when he said it was “a problem”? When was he struggling with being horny, and why didn’t he just let Chan know? He would’ve helped.

“What about you?” Felix asked, sounding a little less confident now that he had told Chan how abiding his attraction was. “How long?”

He mentally shook off his own dirty thoughts. “Uh,” he said, suddenly not sure. The years stretched back, packed full of good memories and bad ones, twisting roads and dead ends, all set to the rise and fall of the sun on Felix’s face, the rise and fall of his smile and his mood. “A long time. I mean. Before we debuted… you were just so young. And so cute, but so insecure. I just wanted to take care of you, you know? I wasn’t lying when I said you were like a little brother to me. You were, for a long while.” He sighed, feeling the day settle on his shoulders along with the comforting weight of Felix’s arms wrapped around his neck. “Let’s sit down,” he suggested, extricating himself from the hug with a little regret and pulling two chairs out from the table to face each other. Felix sat, tangling his legs with Chan’s, knocking their knees together. 

“When did you stop thinking of me like that? That killed me, you know. Crushing on you, and having you pat my head and call me your _little bro_.” Felix wrinkled his nose, and Chan had to smile fondly.

“A while after our debut, you stopped being cute like a little brother, and instead you were beautiful, out of nowhere. I mean, you’re still so fucking cute, don’t get me wrong. It just became impossible to ignore that you’re… kind of perfect for me? And that I want you in a way I definitely wouldn’t want a brother. Didn’t realize I was bro-zoning you,” he said. “I was bro-zoning _myself_ , Jesus Christ.” He rubbed the back of his neck, staring at his own knees and feeling embarrassed. “I was just trying to keep it PG, you know? Trying to keep some distance between you and my feelings. Sometimes I feel really dirty around you,” he confessed, blushing hard. “And guilty. For thinking stuff like that.”

He risked a glance up. Felix was blushing, too.

“It’s kind of crazy, right?”

Everything that had happened was crazy. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, well. You said you think I’m kind of perfect for you,” said Felix, sounding bashful. “I think you’re perfect for me, too. It’s just so weird that we would end up like this? What are the odds? Two Aussies in an idol group together in Korea, and they’re soulmates, somehow. I know you picked me for Stray Kids, but still. Everything leading up to you picking me… it’s crazy, isn’t it?”

A madcap ardor bubbled up in Chan’s chest. It was crazy. The whole damn thing was insane, unhinged, illogical.

“That just means it’s really, truly meant to be,” was all he said.

Felix let himself fall forward into strong arms, automatically opening to receive him. He stayed there, warm in the embrace, for a few long, quiet minutes. Their various fridges clicked and hummed, and somewhere in the dorm a fan rattled low white noise.

“Wanna lay down,” he mumbled into Chan’s shirt.

“Ok, sweetheart,” said Chan. “Whatever you want.” Somewhere in the back of his mind he remembered that he was going to work in his studio today, but he purposefully forgot, pulling them both upright and leading Felix by the hand, a reverse of the previous night. They made their way through the empty dorm, footsteps echoing lightly on the hardwood floor, until they had clambered up into Chan’s bunk and arranged themselves under the blanket: Chan on his back with Felix laying on his chest, arms wrapped around one another and hearts beating in tandem.

“Feels so nice when you hold me,” sighed Felix. “Safe and warm.” He snuggled in close. “Although…”

“What?” Chan strained his neck to look down at him, but his expression was out of view, turned toward the foot of the bed.

“Nothing,” said Felix with a light laugh. “It just reminds me of what you said. About feeling dirty around me.”

It was wildly unfair of him to say things like that. “You’re the one who said you’re horny for me,” Chan muttered. When had he awoken in the twilight zone, where such sentences made sense coming out of his mouth? How had they gotten here?

Felix hummed, playful. “Maybe we should just agree that we’re both horny.”

Chan didn’t know what to say to that. He swallowed down the lump in his throat.

“Do you feel dirty right now?”

Did he? Did Chan feel dirty, wrong, filthy, hot? Did Felix’s close cuddles and teasing words make his whole body feel warm and suddenly uncomfortable, like he needed to do _something_ before he leapt out of his own skin? Did he feel extremely, undeniably _turned on_?

He did.

“Don’t tease, sunshine,” he said, grinning. “I’ve been holding back for so long, who knows what’ll happen if you push my buttons.” Still hugging one arm tight around Felix’s waist, Chan ran the other up and down his back, feeling strong muscles and the warmth of him radiating out.

Felix hummed with soft pleasure. “Maybe I wanna find out,” he said quietly, turning his head to face Chan and looking at him almost pleadingly. He seemed to _want_ , but not know how to ask. “I’ve been going a little crazy.”

 _Warm, so warm, bubbling up_ \--

“Yeah?” Chan breathed out, head already spinning. Only Felix could make him like this so easily. Only Felix could leave him dumb, speechless.

“Yeah,” he echoed. “I’ve never...uh. Done anything like that. But I imagine it. A lot.” His eyes turned shy, downturned. Coy. Chan just stared at him, frozen out of old habit but melting with lust. He couldn’t keep his gaze from Felix’s mouth, looking plush and pink and just too appetizing. His heart made the decision that his head couldn’t.

“Come here,” he whispered, bringing a hand up to the back of Felix’s neck. 

Time paused in a bubble around the bed. They came closer and closer, eyes dropping shut as lips met. Days, weeks, months, _years_ leading to a calm moment at home, falling deep into the soft pillow of Felix’s mouth.

He kissed like he had no clue what to do but desperately wanted to know. After their lips slid apart the first time, he whined without seeming to realize it and pressed his mouth more firmly against Chan’s, small hands grasping at the sheets.

Chan’s head had not stopped whirling. Now the storm was in his chest and deep in his stomach. He lifted his hand from Felix’s neck to grip gently at his hair, pulling him away a bit. He tried to catch his breath but failed when he caught sight of lips wet and rouge-red, eyes heavy and gleaming with desire. Chan pushed at his shoulders to lay him on his back, hair all sprawled against the pillow, looking like the most tempting thing on earth. Wars were fought over beauty like this. Mountains were scaled to see such a sight. Wide, endless blue oceans were traversed to get here. Without letting a single second go to waste he leaned in for another kiss, this one just that much more urgent.

He had no idea how long all the others would be away but Chan burned with need for the man underneath him. He couldn’t wait any more. Kissing like he might never get to again, desperately hungry, he held Felix down against the bed and drank in the way it made him feel: wild, strong. When their tongues met, they both groaned and had to pull apart to draw in breath together.

He leaned his forehead against Felix’s. Those wide eyes seemed to be saying a hundred things at once.

“You’re so sexy,” is what he _did_ say, startling a laugh out of Chan.

“Thanks,” he replied, cheeky. “You’re not too bad yourself.” Understatement of the goddamn year. The shy smile Felix gave him, face rounding out and eyes lifting, was as lovely as ever but somehow just not good enough. “More than not bad,” he went on, because _why not? Why not tell him everything?_ “Incredible. Jaw-dropping. Just… so, so gorgeous, little one.”

 _There it is_ : that beautiful face, caught between embarrassment and pleasure.

“You really think so?” Chan thought he had never heard this exact voice from him, smaller than usual but deep as midnight.

“I do.” Chan’s shoulders and elbows started to ache from holding himself up, so he relaxed onto Felix a little as the reality of what they were doing sank in. “I do. God, it feels so good to say it.”

The rise and fall of Felix’s chest was uneven under him, and he was overcome with the knowledge that Felix wanted him the way Chan wanted: secret and hot and dirty at some moments, at others soft and caring and tender, sometimes the whiplash between the two leaving him dizzy.

“I wanna show you,” said Felix, sounding suddenly out of breath.

“What’chu wanna show me, sweetheart?” 

Felix swallowed thickly and seemed to gather his words.

“Want to show you more of me. All of me,” he said. “Want you to look at me.” The boy had the audacity to sound shy. Chan tried to pretend like the words didn't make him hard, but was pretty sure he failed.

“Fuck, baby, wanna see you so bad. Can I look?” With a swelling courage he ran a hand under the worn old T-shirt, along hard abs and the smooth soft skin at his chest. The shirt was dragged up by the motion, and Chan couldn’t stop his eyes from drinking it in. He’d seen as much a hundred times, when they went swimming or swapped outfits at a photoshoot. But now they were alone, and the air swirled heavy around them, and Felix wasn’t splashing him at the pool -- he was hot and panting softly and looking at Chan with heat burning in his gaze as he pulled his shirt off and tossed it aside.

Chan leaned down to kiss him once more, just a soft, lingering peck of the lips, before moving down to kiss along collarbones, then down in a straight line to his stomach. Each kiss was gentle, close-mouthed and loving. Felix groaned softly every time, shivering slightly and squirming like he didn’t know where he was going.

“Feels good,” he said, voice deep as sin and a little broken. “Like, _everywhere…_ God, everywhere you touch feels _so_ \--.” He threw his head back into the pillow and rubbed it back and forth, already a little lost in it all.

 _This can’t be real --_ how much time had Chan spent here in his dreams, spreading his beloved out below him and indulging fantasies? He felt like he was dreaming as he ran his hands slowly up Felix’s sides, then smoothed them down over his chest and lingered at the stomach, hard when tense but soft and yielding and inviting when Felix would arch his body up to meet his mouth.

“So beautiful,” he said, reverent. “Been wanting to touch you like this for so long.”

Felix let out a heavy breath, almost a moan. “You can touch me anywhere you want,” he told Chan, covering his face with his arms. “I mean it.”

“Anywhere?” His thoughts burned with the possibilities. “Anywhere I want?” He bit once into Felix’s side, suddenly feeling a little feral. Continuing his downward descent, he pressed kisses right below his belly button. He had to stop to keep himself from drooling. Felix’s jeans were bulging with his desire, and having him so close to his face was messing with Chan’s head. He was so hard it hurt. 

“ _Channie-hyung_ ,” Felix said, voice curling up into a whine. His hands fell from his face to grab at Chan’s hair aimlessly. “I want…”

“Me too, baby, me too,” he replied, hoarse and disbelieving. “Gonna make you feel so fucking good, I promise.” He was on fire. Surely his insides were burned up to ashes by now, unable to withstand the burgeoning heat clamoring to a crescendo, heart thumping against his chest and a twisting and shaking need deep in his pelvis. He wanted to touch Felix everywhere at once, wanted to kiss every single inch of his gorgeous body, wanted to be over him and under him and inside him all at the same time. How was he ever going to pace himself? How was he ever going to focus on anything else now that he had seen, and touched, and kissed? How was he going to write a song about anything other than Felix, his smile, his laugh, his moans, his body trembling on Chan’s bed?

With shaking hands he unzipped Felix’s jeans, quietly urging him to lift his hips so he could pull them down and off, untangling his ankles and feet. Felix kept his legs spread loosely around Chan as he knelt there like a zealot at his altar. 

“Now you,” breathed Felix. He tugged Chan’s shirt upward impatiently, and once it was off and tossed aside he ran his little hands softly all over, touching like he was trying to memorize every bump and crevice, laying there nude except for his little red briefs, driving Chan out of his mind. This time when he leaned down to kiss, he could feel all of Felix under him, warm bare skin, golden and soft and groaning helplessly right into his mouth. They were both hard; Chan thought, through the blurring mess in his head, that he’d never been this hard in his entire life. Their lower halves met and he ground down, unable to keep himself still and reveling in the moans tearing their way from Felix’s throat at every tight circle of his hips.

“Fuck, can’t believe how incredible you look like this.” Felix was sprawled out on the bed, chest heaving and legs spread wide. A wet spot spread on his underwear where it was stretched tight over the damp, protruding head. He really looked like Chan’s wet dreams come to life.

He straightened up a little, rubbing a hand over Felix through his underwear, focusing on where he leaked through the cotton. Felix twitched his hips up, abs clenching and lips clamped tight over a high-pitched whine. 

“Wanna make you cum, sunshine. Does that sound okay?” Chan wanted to make them both orgasm over and over and over until they couldn’t even think, but he’d have to save something like that for another day. As it was, he felt like he could cum in his pants just seeing Felix climax.

The boy was already far gone. He could barely even reply at first, just nodding vigorously and begging, “Please, _hyung_ , please… wanna cum really bad,” and Chan was a weak, weak man.

“I’m gonna take this off now,” he said, beginning to gently pull the red briefs down Felix’s thighs. Once those were off he got the rest of his own clothes off as gracefully as possible (that is to say, not gracefully at all) while Felix watched through wide, sparkling eyes. He settled back down between spread legs and marveled down at him: cock short and a little fat, cute the way his hands were cute, and ridiculously wet. Even as he watched, precum dripped down to his belly.

Chan reached two fingers down and dipped them into the wetness pooling there at his belly button, feeling its consistency first, then tasting it. Sweet, too sweet, though that was no surprise.

Felix wrinkled his nose at him. “Gross,” he said, but didn’t sound any less turned on than he was before. Chan just smiled before wrapping his right hand around him, pulling a surprised moan from that gorgeous mouth.

“You’re all wet for me, huh? So sexy, baby, you have no idea.” Chan’s hand covered him almost entirely, a fact that Felix seemed to rather enjoy. He wound it up and down slowly, frictionless and maddening. Felix twisted and turned on the bed, trying to keep his hips from bucking up.

“Wanna, ah,” he panted between heavy breaths. “Wanna see yours. Next to mine. Please?”

Chan sat up on his knees a little higher and grabbed his own cock, stroking it once as though it could get any harder before fitting it in his grasp next to Felix’s. They both moaned at the sight: Felix’s small and pink, leaking sticky and clear next to Chan’s, long and thick and throbbing deep, painful red. When he stroked them both in his hand he thought Felix was going to pass out; his eyes rolled back in his head and his whole body arched up, mouth open with a wordless cry.

“Fuck!” he called out into the empty room before his voice fell back into deep, gravelly groans. “Feels amazing,” he managed. “You’re fucking _huge_. I knew you’d be huge, I knew it.” He raised his head and gazed down at both of them, mouth open. He was almost drooling, eyes glazed over, flushed red everywhere.

At the sight of his desperate face Chan felt himself barreling closer to climax too soon, way too soon. But he couldn’t hold back. Not when Felix was moaning like that, like he couldn’t control himself.

“God, you’re so beautiful. Gonna make me cum, sweetheart, I’m so fucking close.”

Felix fell back against the bed. “Don’t stop, don’t stop… gonna cum! _Hyung!”_ His whole body tensed, back arched, as Chan’s hand flew over both of them, precum making everything wet, so wet. Chan’s stomach was in knots, whole body tense, trying to hold back _just a second, just one more second, just one more_...

“Uuh! Oh, oh my _god_ ,” Felix wailed, cumming so hard all over himself that it got on his chin, on his lips, his beautiful, full, pink, _gorgeous lips_ \--

Chan was climaxing before Felix had finished, spilling all over his stomach, his chest, his cock, their cum mixing and sliding down Felix’s sides and onto the bed. His brain took a mental image that he knew he’d be jacking off to for the rest of his life. They both gasped for breath, coming down hard. Felix shuddered with an aftershock once, twice. As Chan collapsed next to him, he giggled.

“Wow.” His voice was hoarse like he’d been singing for hours. He kept giggling until Chan had finally caught his breath and was able to join in. “That was amazing.”

“Yeah?” Chan rolled to his side and rested his head on his hand. “Felt good?” He reached over Felix to the little packet of tissues he kept by his pillow (for runny noses -- seriously) and tried to clean him up, though he knew they’d both have to shower before they could face any of the other members.

“ _Really_ good,” he told him. “Can’t wait to do it again. When can we do it again?”

“God,” said Chan, already exhausted. “You’re gonna run me ragged, aren’t you? What a little menace you are.”

The smile Felix gave him wasn’t heated, or lustful. It was the small, private smile that he gave to Chan when they were walking together at night, or chatting about childhood memories over steaming hot tteokbokki. It was the smile he smiled when he caught Chan looking at his freckles.

“Hope you can keep up, old man,” he said, jokingly turning his nose to the air with a haughty sniff.

Chan laughed and laughed and laughed, heart full. He knew he needed to be worried. He knew they needed to talk about secrecy, and who not to tell, and boundaries when on-camera, and a million other things. But his heart was too damn full.

“Just watch me.”


End file.
